Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Know Unknown

I had a conversation with my cousin, once, in which we discussed our disintegrating relationships, which were coming to a slow, agonizing close. I told her I was done. Not really wanting anymore of this type of thing. Resigned as I was to the fact that love just wasn't in the cards for me. "There is no one out there for me, who will understand me, and really care about me."

She replied, "Oh, you never know. He may just fall into your lap. You might even tell him to get up."

He did. I won't. He might.

I've learned a few things in life. One is: if you want something, you have to be willing to accept it. I am willing to accept something wonderful, no matter how limited it is. This is but one chapter in a long journey, and I want it to be the best. Not just for me. I have good things in my life. I finally feel like I can be "me," whoever that is, at least for a few short moments every now and then. That is a comforting feeling. It feels honest. It feels like freedom. It feels like acceptance. It feels like love. Any love is better than none at all. I plan to make it beautiful.

If/when it leaves, I don't want to ever think of it as something that was false. It blindsided me. I'm in that strange place where I am unsure and wary, but at the same time hopeful and excited and elated. I liken this to an unexpected shock. Not like scooting on the carpet during winter, then touching the doorknob. More like cruising along on a summer day, on the way to the gas station, and the gas station blows up just before you get there, and you feel heat and see smoke, and then the fireworks that were secretly stored in the shed behind the gas station start exploding like a Japanese holiday. Your heart beats with fear and excitement. Then all is silent, and you hear a voice whisper from the back seat, "Hey!" You turn around, and there is an angel in your car. You feel like you might be dead, and where? Then begins a blissful, secret, wonderful journey. You ascend and descend until you spin and hum out of control. You smile so your face almost hurts from it. Yes, I like this. It pleases me.


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